– I boiled eggs and brought them in my bag to dinners with family so I would have a “healthy” source of protein with my dinner. Then I would eat those in secret in the bathroom.
– I avoided sun-dried tomatoes because they’re dried fruit and dried fruit is bad for you.
– If I ever did eat sun-dried tomatoes I would rinse them off. Because sunflower oil is full of calories and will also kill you because vegetable oil is the devil.
– I stopped eating bread.
– I thought trying to find a way to be both primal and vegetarian was a great idea.
– I celebrated my capacity for gradually increasing my restriction of food as “mindful eating”
– I stopped drinking beer because of the calories and the carbs
– I refused to eat starchy carbs unless they fit into my PWO window
I consider myself to be on the road of diet recovery. I am spending a lot of time and energy examining and disregarding various moral “truths” about diet and looks.
Today I’m thinking about convenience and food. I was taught that I could allow myself treats – but I should treat myself right and only go for the best treats. Be picky! Why would you go for that store-bought brownie when you could have a delicious, home-made double chocolate brownie?
It sounds so good on the surface, right? A home-made, freshly baked brownie does usually taste better than a store-bought variety. Or if you can get one from a really good bakery.
It makes me sad though because it’s the part of the diet mindset that denies you of convenience. Because convenience makes you weak and human and you are not allowed to be weak and human in diet land. You are not allowed to commune through food in diet land. You are not allowed connection through food in diet land. You are not allowed comfort in food in diet land.
I was taught that if you ate emotionally you were weak. I don’t think that your only means of dealing with emotions should be through food but to deny that we as humans need soothing and comfort is to deny what makes us human.
Sometimes when I’ve had a rough week it doesn’t matter that I exercised properly, communicated my feels and needs in words, set appropriate boundaries and worked my ass off to get things working. Sometimes I am tired and worn-out and what I need more than a healthy home-cooked meal or a home-baked brownie is a respite. Because baking and cooking takes time and energy. Sometimes I need convenience more than I need artisanal fucking bread. Sometimes I order take-out pizza. Sometimes I get a brownie at the store. Because it’s easy and comforting and exactly what I needed.
That is part of being human, and that’s okay.